So I Worked at a Christmas Castle…

This is a lot more leg than I’m comfortable showing, I thought as I switched into my work uniform. It’s Christmas 2018. I am working as a waiter at a Christmas feast put on at a castle in Colorado built by a Civil War general. My uniform was breeches, calf-high white socks, leather shoes, a brown jerkin, and a white shirt with balloon sleeves and a wide-open neck. Inside the castle, my several hundred coworkers and I looked perfect for a faux medieval party. Outside the castle, I probably looked like someone playing Thomas Jefferson at the wrong costume party. Possibly a bad imitation of the guys on romance novel covers. 

Over two nights of Christmas feast activities – going in an out of the great hall where the guests were, restocking things behind the scenes – many things happened. I kept a list of funny comments or scenes from that weekend. Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty. 

1. Before we started the first night, my supervisor shared her slogan: “Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of joint.” 

2. A supervisor named Jerry walked into the storage room, and saw all the cider bottles we had to take out for the feast’s big toast. “Oh, schnapps,” he said.  

3. In the restroom I discover a defect in my breeches: no zipper. Or buttons. 

4. No pockets either. 

5. “I’m really not used to this servant thing,” a middle-aged female servers said during a break. “I mean, I’m a teacher. I’m used to saying ‘do this’ and if they don’t, threatening to rip their arms off and beat them with the bloody stumps.” 

6. A server brought salad plates to a table. A woman had her cell phone right where the salad plate had to go. 

“Excuse me, ma’am, your phone…” he said. 

“Oh, would you like to use it?” she asked 

7. During one of our break times in the downstairs dining room, Jerry got out a melodica and began playing the score from Beverly Hills Cop and Legend of Zelda. You have not lived until you have seen a man wearing a jerkin and breeches play Legend of Zelda music. 

8. “What kind of soup is it?” I asked someone carrying a covered soup pot into the downstairs room.  

“It’s gravy,” he said. 

9. The castle’s head administrator, a tall man with a Mount Rushmore face, walked into the great hall during rehearsal. He walked around in his solemn black kilt and dress jerkin, going to the male servers and solemnly shaking their hands. When he came up to me, he said, “Crud, what’s your name? Nate? Matt? Everyone’s Matt to me.” 

“It’s Connor,” I said. 

“Dang, I wasn’t even close.” 

10. “Everything alright?” I asked one of the servers checking the table settings. 


“Good,” I said. “Because remember, if you mess up, this is a castle, and we do have gallows.”  

He chuckled. “And the tower, of course,” he chimed in. 

“Oh, yes,” I replied. “And the dungeon. With the real rack. Which we regularly update.” 

12. After the trumpeter who announced the guests had finished up and the hall doors were closed so the guests could enjoy their meal, the trumpeter indulged a request from my supervisor. He (quietly) played the Mos Eisley Cantina song in the hallway for all of us. 

13. Near the end of the night, I was walking around tables filling glasses with iced tea. I reached a seat with an empty glass and leaned forward to fill it. A man in the next seat over turned and said, “They have departed.” 

“Oh,” I said. “Deceased or otherwise?” 

I can’t remember his response

14. While waiting outside the great hall, two servers got antsy and began dancing jigs. The event coordinator, wearing his solemn black dress outfit, walked in to see them trying to dance the grapevine. 

“No, no. Actually, you do it like this.” He began doing the same dance. 

15. While waiting in line to receive hot plates, I realized I was between two people who were dating, so I motioned to the guy behind me that he could cut in front of me. He happily did so. 

“Didn’t mean to come between you two like that,” I joked. 

He was too busy hugging her to respond. 

16. During a break on the second night, Jerry got out his melodica and his ukulele. He tried to play them at the same time. After several minutes of him hitting the wrong keys and everyone cringing, a custodian announced he was going to go see if the toilets needed cleaning. 

Article copyright 2022 by Gabriel Connor Salter.

If you enjoyed this pieces of wholesome holiday comedy, you may enjoy these others comedy pieces:

A Christmas Movie Satire

The Bad Book Blurb Contest

Whales Speaking Yiddish: A Web Comic Collection

The Hobbit, Contractor’s Edition

O Is For Odd: Another Web Comic Collection

Experiments in Satire: Yet Another Web Comic Collection

More of the Worst Book Blurbs Ever Written

Photo Credit: Unsplash/Jacek Dylag


2 thoughts on “So I Worked at a Christmas Castle…

  1. Pingback: A Christmas Memory – G. Connor Salter

  2. Pingback: “And All Of Us Prepared the Feast…” – Fellowship & Fairydust

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