Something for International Tolkien Reading Day: The Hobbit, Contractor’s Edition

As many of you may know, today is International Tolkien Reading Day. Many fans and scholars are getting together today to read sections of his work. I had the pleasure to attend the Inkling Folk Fellowship‘s reading event, where people read from The Silmarillion, The Hobbit, and Lord of the Rings. A few people read from different translations (a Romanian history scholar read from a Romanian version, and a Japanese scholar read from both her English and Japanese editions).

While I didn’t read anything, I enjoyed listening in (and making jokes about how The Return of the King’s famous “I am no man!” twist seems to be Tolkien riffing on Macbeth). For some reason as someone read the opening paragraph of The Hobbit, I thought about summer months when I worked for home renovation businesses and wondered, what would a building contractor think of all these descriptions of the Hobbit hole? A house that was a hole in the ground? The references to dampness and sand?

So, without further ado, here is my translation of the opening paragraph, into (sort of) accurate construction terms:

“In a symmetrical hole made without moling or prefabricated shoring materials, in a stretch of privately zoned temperate climate real estate, there lived a Hobbit. Not a shoddy hole made by unreliable sub-contractors with problematic plumbing and unchecked damp proofing, nor a zero humidity structure with construction debris and a lack of furnishing or edible items. It was a hobbit-hole, and in keeping with the area’s building codes and construction history, that equaled comfort.”

The Hobbit (Contractor’s Edition) by G. Connor Salter.

(This satire is copyright 2022 by Gabriel Connor Salter. No infringement on The Hobbit is made or intended)