YouTube Anonymous

This is the script for a short comedy sketch I wrote back in June 2014 for a talent show at Taylor University.

If interested, here’s a video of its performance, with some improv along the way.

“YouTube Anonymous”

by G. Connor Salter

1     INT. SELF-HELP CLASS

4 people, sitting in chairs in a circle. They look a lot like the people you see in AA meetings – slightly ashamed and shy. A box and lid with the words “Box of Silence” written on it lies just outside the circle. LEADER is seated in the front.

LEADER:

Alright then. First of all, I want to thank all of you for coming, I know this isn’t easy for any of us.

EVERYONE:

(Nodding humbly)

LEADER:

Before we start, I’d like everyone to say hello to Rachel, who just joined us.

EVERYONE:

Hello / Hi there.

RACHEL:

Hi, thanks.

LEADER:

Well, Rachel, if it’s not too much to ask, would you be willing to start us off?

RACHEL:

Well, um…

LEADER:

Listen I know this hard, but we’re all here to help each other. We all know what this feels like and we’re not here to judge.

(To rest of the group)

Am I right?

EVERYONE:

(Nods)

Mm-Hmm / Yeah.

RACHEL:

Alright then.

(Stands up)

My name is Rachel Smith, I’m an addict. It has been 4 days, 9 hours, and 3 seconds since I last watched a YouTube video.

LEADER:

Thank you, Rachel. All right, what about you Blythe?

BLYTHE:

Alright.

(Stands up)

My name is Blythe, and I’m an addict, it’s been two weeks, four days and 98 minutes since I last watched a YouTube video.

 EVERYONE ELSE nods with approval, impressed.

LEADER:

Thank you very much. Um, Joe, would you be willing to go next?

JOE:

(Reluctantly gets up)

Well… I’m Joseph, I know most of you from previous meetings, and it’s been…….

(Drops his head into his hands)

 48 seconds since I last watched a YouTube video.

(Starts crying)

LEADER:

It’s alright.

(Puts hand on Joseph’s shoulder)

BLYTHE:

It’s okay Joseph…

JOE:

I’m sorry, it’s just that I told myself I could do this, this time it would be different, and then I get on my iPad and there are so many videos out there! So many likes, so many comments, so many cats! I LOVE CATS!!!

Rachel’s phone starts ringing, everyone looks at it.

LEADER:

What is that?

RACHEL:

(Takes phone out, holds it up)

Just an…

JOE:

CATS!

Joe jumps out of his seat to grab the phone.

LEADER:

Joe, stop it!

Blythe and Leader grab Joe and hold him down in his seat. Joe keeps reaching out, trying to escape and grab the phone.

JOE:

Cats! Cats!

LEADER:

Rachel, shut if off then put it in the box!

Rachel begins turning off cell phone.

LEADER:

Joe, remember! Stay strong!

JOE:

CATS! CATS!

LEADER:

Joe, we’re going sing the motivation song, alright?

(starts singing)

“I won’t watch YouTube ever again, no I won’t watch YouTube ever  again…”

 (To everyone)

Come on!

Awkwardly EVERYONE sings the singalong, to little effect. Rachel turns off the phone and puts it in the Box of Silence.

JOE:

CA-Haats…

Joe’s screaming finally stops as Rachel closes the box. EVERYONE gets up, they all stand up and bow.

LEADER:

(To audience)

Thank you. Um, it might interest you to know that this sketch has been filmed, by next week you can find it on my YouTube channel. Thanks very much.

(THE END)

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